Gentle Thoughts for Today–

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ” XL.”

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs.’

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it’s called golf


Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth..AMEN..!

Stress Management……this is good reading

This is a repeat, but worth the read….. if you put it to good use

This is worth reading!

This gives us something to think about with all our new electronic

technology.

GPS

A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that someone she knew had

their car broken into while they were at a football game.. Their car was

parked on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and

specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included

a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had been

prominently mounted on the dashboard.

When the victims got home, they found that their house had been

ransacked and just about everything worth anything had been stolen.

The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then

used the garage remote control to open the garage door and gain

entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the football

game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so

they knew how much time they had to clean out the house. It would

appear that they had brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.

Something to consider if you have a GPS – don’t put your home
address in it. Put a nearby address (like a store or gas station) so you
can still find your way home if you need to, but no one else would know
where you live if your GPS were stolen.

MOBILE PHONES

I never thought of this…….

This lady has now changed her habit of how she lists her names on

her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which

contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet… Etc…was stolen.

20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling

him what had happened, hubby says ‘I received your text asking

about our Pin number and I’ve replied a little while ago.’

When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the

money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen

cell phone to text ‘hubby’ in the contact list and got hold of the pin

number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their

bank account.

Moral of the lesson:

Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in

your contact list.

Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad,

Mom, etc….

And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts,

CONFIRM by calling back.

Also, when you’re being text by friends or family to meet them

somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came

from them. If you don’t reach them, be very careful about going places

to meet ‘family and friends’ who text you.

*PLEASE PASS THIS ON

* I never thought about the above!

As of now, I no longer have ‘home’ listed on my cell phone.

Spanish Class

It’s not new.    But, it is worth repeating.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la Casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (’la computadora’), because:

1… No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (’el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know…and all the men that have a sense of humor…

RECALL NOTICE:

>The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured,

>regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and

>central component of the heart.

>This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named

>Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all

>subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed “Subsequential

>Internal Non-conformance, ” or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is

>primarily expressed.

>

>Some of the symptoms include:

>1. Loss of direction

>2. Foul vocal emissions

>3. Amnesia of origin

>4. Lack of peace and joy

>5. Selfish or violent behavior

>6. Depression or confusion in the mental component

>7. Fearfulness

>8. Idolatry

>9. Rebellion

>

>The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is

>providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct

>this defect.

>

>The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the

>entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no

>additional fee required.

>

>The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

>Once connected, please uploadyour burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE

>procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into

>the heart component.

>

>No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

>1. Love

>2. Joy

>3. Peace

>4. Patience

>5. Kindness

>6. Goodness

>7. Faithfulness

>8. Gentleness

>9. Self control

>

>Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers’ Instructions

>Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

>

>WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction

>voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to further breakdown

>and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being

>permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

>

>DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will

>have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to

>enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for

>your attention!

>

>- GOD

>P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important

>recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by ‘Knee mail’

The Sack Lunches

I put my carry-on in the luggage
Compartment and sat down in my
Assigned seat.  It was going to be a
Long flight.. ‘I’m glad I have a
Good book to read Perhaps I will get
A short nap,’ I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of
Soldiers came down the aisle and
Filled all the vacant seats, totally
Surrounding me.  I decided to
Start a conversation.
‘Where are you headed?’ I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

‘Petawawa. We’ll be there for two
Weeks for special training, and then
We’re being deployed to Afghanistan

After flying for about an hour, an
Announcement was made that sack
Lunches were available for five
Dollars.  It would be several hours
Before we reached the east, and I
Quickly decided a lunch would help
Pass the time..

As I reached for my wallet, I
Overheard soldier ask his buddy if he
Planned to buy lunch.
‘No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably
Wouldn’t be worth five bucks.  I’ll wait till we get to base ‘

His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other
Soldiers.  None were buying lunch.  I
Walked to the back of the plane and
Handed the flight attendant a
Fifty dollar bill.
‘Take a lunch to all those soldiers.’  She grabbed my arms and
squeezed

Tightly.  Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me.  ’My son was a
Soldier in Iraq ; it’s almost like you are doing it for him.’

Picking up ten sa cks, she headed up
The aisle to where the soldiers
Were seated.  She stopped at my seat
And asked, ‘Which do you like
Best – beef or chicken?’

‘Chicken,’ I replied, wondering why
She asked.  She turned and went to
The front of plane, returning a
Minute later with a dinner plate from
First class.  ’This is your thanks.’

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane,
Heading for the rest room.
A man stopped me.  ’I saw what you did.  I want to be part of it.
Here, take this.’  He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I
Saw the Flight Captain coming down
The aisle, looking at the aisle
Numbers as he walked, I hoped he was
Not looking for me, but noticed he
Was looking at the numbers only on
My side of the plane.
When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, an said,
‘I want to shake your hand.’

Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I
Stood and took the Captain’s hand.
With a booming voice he said, ‘I was
A soldier and I was a military
Pilot. Once, someone bought me a
Lunch.  It was an act of kindness I
Never forgot.’  I was embarrassed
When applause was heard from all of
The passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the
Plane so I could stretch my legs.
A man who was seated about six rows
In front of me reached out his
Hand, wanting to shake mine.  He left
Another twenty-five dollars in my palm..

When we landed  I gathered my
Belongings and started to deplane.
Waiting just inside the airplane door
Was a man who stopped me, put
Something in my shirt pocket, turned,
And walked away without saying a
Word.  Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the
Soldiers gathering for their trip to the base.  I walked over to them
And handed them seventy-five dollars. ‘It will take you some time to
Reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich.
God Bless You.’

Ten young men lef t that flight
Feeling the love and respect of their
Fellow travelers.  As I walked
Briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return.
These soldiers were giving their all for our country.  I could only
Give them a couple of meals.

It seemed so little…

A veteran is someone who, at one
Point in his life, wrote a blank check
Made payable to ‘The United States of
America ‘ for an amount of  ’up to and including My life.’

That is Honor, and there are way too
Many people in this country who
No longer understand it.’

May God give you the strength and
Courage to pass this along to
everyone on your email buddy list…….

I JUST DID

Woman and a Fork

Woman and a Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things “in order,” she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

“This is very important,” the young woman continued. “I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.”

“Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by the request,” said the Pastor.

The young woman explained: “My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.‘ It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming….like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!’

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder “What’s with the fork?” Then I want you to tell them: “Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.“

The Pastor’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like
than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge.
She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman’s casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, “What’s with the fork?” And over and
over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the
fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could nt
stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be
able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel , indeed, They make you smile and encourage you to succeed . They lend an ear, they share a word of praise , and they always want to open their
hearts to us.

Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time
to “Keep your fork.”

Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means sending back to the person who sent it to you.

And keep your fork!

INTERESTING TRADITIONS…..YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN !!

I Didn’t Know That………………..

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in  Europe  were made of a dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals.  Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren’t notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave..

Q: Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right.! Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.  And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.

Q. Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called ‘passing the buck’?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would ‘pass the buck’ to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host’s glass with his own

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage ‘in the limelight’ were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use ‘mayday’as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m’aidez -meaning ‘help me’ – and is pronounced ’mayday.’

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?
A: In  France  , where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘egg.’  When tennis was introduced in the  US , Americans pronounced it ‘love.’

Q: In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game ‘golf.’ So he had the first golf course outside of  Scotland  built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to  Scotland  (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.  In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.’

Now YOU know!!

THINGS WE SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON’T

1.. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter I is called a ‘tittle’.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. (that makes my day!)

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of Mc Donald ‘S profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The ’spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.  (Just as I suspected))

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small-sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. (The Little Perv.)

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830’s as medicine.

16. Upper and lower-case letters are named ‘upper’ and ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given  out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, or silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween’ was a Captain Kirk’s mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.  You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.  (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand

(and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.  It’s the same with apples.

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. “Guinness Book of Records” holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. ” Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail.

CRABBY OLD MAN
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte , Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value .

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem . Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital .

One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas

edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health.   A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem winging across

the Internet.

Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . What do you see?
What are you thinking …. . . . when you’re looking at me?
A crabby old man, . … . not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . .. . . . . and makes no reply .
When you say in a loud voice .. . . . .. ‘I do wish you’d try!’
Who seems not to notice . . . the things that you do .
And forever is losing . . . . .. … . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . .. . . .. . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding The long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking?   Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . you’re not looking at me .

I’ll tell you who I am . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of Ten .. .  . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . … …. . . . who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . .. .. . . a lover he’ll meet..
A groom soon at Twenty . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . .. . . . .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. . have grown and are gone,
But my woman’s beside me .. . . . . . . to see I don’t mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play ’round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . … My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future …. .. . . . . . . . .  shudder with dread..
For my young are all rearing . . . . . .. young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man . . . . . . .. . . and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . …. . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I’m loving and living . . . . . .. . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . . open and see.
Not a crabby old man.   Look closer . . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul

within . . . .. we will all, one day, be there, too!