If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud. 

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

To eliminate smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand under a faucet with no sink.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now. 

People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.

If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

Your respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them aside if you feel you no longer need them. 

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead.

Do not drive a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the hood.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

No pyromaniacs admitted.

A quick family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will preserve precious memories for years to come.

That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don’t go there.

The middle of a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwork.

If you see colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke yourself. Girls go for that.

If your intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.

If the weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the grass.

After all life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run forever. Think about it.

Your telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no numbers on it.

"Wash your hands" of traditional long distance telephone providers.

Only the coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the ‘underground’ rave in the shelter.

In case of emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty item.

In time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or poultry, please.

There is a reason you failed chemistry.

Watch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your back.

If you are trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.

Radioactive materials come in 4 convenient sizes:
   – individual dose
   – family value size
   – neighborhood spray pump size
   – supersize!

Satellite photos of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop circle in Southeast Texas.

When the looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort.

This parody site was built for fun. For the serious stuff, see http://www.ready.gov